


Curst VicFic: Moon the moon

by vics-spicy-jalapenis (donprisciotte)



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Again, F/F, Handcuffs, Happy Birthday Song, Mildly Horrifying, Squick, Stylistic Suck, Vomiting, basically Kai pretends to be dying so that someone will blow in her pussy, inappropriate food comparisons, not my most horrifying work though, obligatory mentions of florida, poor usage of mayonnaise, questionable, spanglish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-29
Updated: 2018-09-29
Packaged: 2019-07-20 08:59:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16133990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/donprisciotte/pseuds/vics-spicy-jalapenis
Summary: Doodely dudes and dudettes, your compadre Vic is back some jalapeno hot kind of smutfic! This time, a Carokaina VicFic!Because yes, that's what CANONICALLY happened before Carolina found them Reds and Blues uwuStarring:- mayonnaise- handcuffs- ceiling fan- many other things





	Curst VicFic: Moon the moon

 

My respectable compadres, chicos and buttchiquitas, I know what’s going on in your cabeza. There’s a voice that’s like ‘Yooo, amigo, what’s up with all that porno between dudes and nothing about our lovely muchachas? Not really cool, dude’, and I totally see where you’re coming from. I totally, doodely do. So what about a new spicy, caliente and absodudely cool storytime with your compadre Vic, specifically about how that one obscure time when Carolina was looking for them Reds and Bluechachos and ran into Grif’s sister? HELL YEAH, DUDE!

 

*season 14 opening*

 

It was a dark and diddly night. Our chiquita banana Kaikaina was cleaning up after the mess from her latest fiesta: There was sour cream and chili EVERYWHERE, and the rest of the food? That shit was long gone, dude, except for…AWWW YEAH! Remember them precious vats of mayonnaise from the mystery box in like season two or three? The ones Tuckerino used as a sunscreen? Good times, dude. Kaikaina figured it’d protect her from moon rays as well and that was exactly what she needed to do her thing: she was gonna moon the moon.  
  
“HEY, YOU!” yelled our favourite yellow muchacha, completely nakey nakey eggs and bakey with mayonnaise smeared all over herself “YEAH, YOU! TWO CAN PLAY AT THIS GAME, YOU STUPID BITCH!”  
and she twerked to the moon, buttchiquitas shaking like maracas, arms spread as in a t-pose as she bent over, but then she noticed…There was some aquamadudereen armoured dudette watching.

 

“I, uhhh…I can explain, officer.”

 

“I’m not a cop.” responded the dudette trying to ignore Kaikaina’s yellow slippery goodness “I’m here in Blood Gulch to recruit the Reds and Blues.”

  
“Yeah, that’s what that Washington guy said, and then two weeks later I had to interrupt the shooting of my Cocaina Grif documentary!”

 

“Oh, good, so I’m in the right place…Wait, what?”

 

“Listen, lady, I don’t know who the hell you are, but whatever you wanna do, do it quick because I’m busy mooning the moon.” she turned to yell at the big tortilla in the sky just to make things clear THAT’S RIGHT, YOU HEARD THAT?! I’M NOT FINISHED WITH YOU YET!”

  
“I’m looking for Church. I know Washington found him and I’m tracing his steps. He started from here, right?”

 

“Church? Was he the guy with the hot girlfriend that beat the crap out of him?”  
  
“Answer my question.” dudette was starting to get impatientita. Not surprising for someone of the Churcherino family, but nobody knew at that point, so I guess that’s cool, dude.

  
“Someone’s a little jealous! I’m sure you’re hot too, under that helm–” not even the time to finish that Carolina abandoned all the possibilitiddies she had to chill and fucking fired red hot chilli bullets at her  “HEY!! Watch it, you could have hit me with that rifle!”  
  
“THE QUESTION. ANSWER IT.”

  
“Only if you take off your armour and moon the moon with me.”  
  
“There.” she removed her helmet, revealing beautiful eyes shining green like guacamole sauce “You happy, now?”

 

“Wow…Damn, I knew you were hot under that helmet! Emo chicks are always hot!”

 

“What? I’m not emo!”  
  
“Yeah, right!” she scoffed “Like, dyed hair that covers one eye AND the other eye that’s like an impossible shade of green? That’s emo…Duhhh!”

 

“…Just tell me where to find them and I promise not to kill you.” sighed the poor freelancer muchacha crossing her arms in rage, which was mucho emo of her.  

  
“Jeez! You want the truth? I don’t know where they are, everyone just left one day without telling me anything, so good luck with that!” Sisterina laughed as she walked back into the Blue Base.

 

“Damn it!” she punched a wall “This was a waste of time!”

 

“Unless…”

 

“Unless what?!” she desperately followed her in the base immedudely, she knew what her prioritiddies were and if listening to some bitchacha whore to the moon could help her find and kill her not-so-com-padre, then she had to make the sacrifice and swallow her pride like she used to swallow Yorkerino’s beans. Wink wink!

 

“Unless we can use this time to have some fun!”  
  


“Oh…I see.” Carolina noticed that Kai had just shown her a pair of handcuffs and, being mucho unable to chill, she thought she had to use that to her doodely advantage. She wasn’t gonna let chiquita banana Kaikaina get away with wasting precious mayonnaise. And also time.  “In that case, get on top of that table and put your hands up.”

 

“Oooh, I like a girl that takes charge!”

 

“Right. Hold still.” she commanded and handcuffed her to the ceiling fan, this was totally gonna be like a reverse rodeo – which wasn’t a problem for Kai who had already attended several “There.”

 

“What are you gonna do now?”

 

“You’ll see.” she grinned as she switched the thingy on. That dudette was yelling with both fear and kinkiness so loud that as Carolina turned back and tried to leave, she fell off the ceiling with the loudest thuderino, dragging the still spinning ceiling fan, like a beyblade with tiddies. All that bleeding had turned the mayonnaise into Marie Rose sauce. Mayonnaisa on the cabeza! Muy delicioso, dude.

 

“Hey…Aqua chick…Don’t go…”

 

“I, heh…I really have to go, you’re going to be fine.” Carolina’s eye twitched in a total squickerino. Much like her fellow aquaman Tucker dude, she wasn’t having any of that mucho homo nonsense. Why was it always the yellowish ones? She could swear Eta was totally gay too, dude, but that’s a story for another time.

 

“No…I’m not gonna make it…Heurrkkk…”

 

“Oh God…” here came the regret – wink wink! - for which she had to do something to prevent that dudette to die in a crumpled pile of nachos covered in sauce like York did “I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do to help while you…?”

 

“Yeah. I want you…To blow into my pussy.”

 

“WHAT?!” she screamed, showing symptoms of the mucho scary Whiny Bitchurch disease-o which was uncool and also incurable “NO WAY!”

 

“It’s my dying wish, you owe it to me. They always said that it would kill me but I’ve always wanted to know what it felt like, and since I’m gonna die anyway…”

 

“Okay, okay, I will do it, but…I’ve never done anything like this.”

 

“Don’t worry, I’ll guide you.”

 

“Hey, uhm, before I…” the freelancerina still wasn’t having that mucho homo nonsense, but then again she was allergic to fun at the time. No wonder it was Tex, the boss ass bitchacha who did the ping pong bomb trick, on top of her dad – ahem, sorry dudes, I mean, on top of the leaderboard…That was made by Carolina’s dad. Wink wink!  “…Before I…blow, do you want me to…?”

 

“I’m _dying_ , bitch, it’s the least you can do!”

 

It was in that diddly doodely moment that Carolina had to give up her priderino and her vanilla hetero ways to comply and do something selfless for a dying compadre, for the Make a Bish foundation, she was gonna taste that taco, suck them curly hairs - that were already yellow under the mayonnaise from a dye job, by the way, doodely noodely and curly fries and mayonnaise and ketchup too, what else could a dudette ask for? - so hard they were gonna make the same sounderino her grappling hookio made when she pulled it to yeet Washingdude back inside the ship to make him not end up like that Georgia dude. Georgia was another uncool dude who didn’t chill nor have fun, not like my very own amigo Agent Florida. He was the realest compadre. Rest in peace, dudarino.  
Anyway, awwww yeah! Our chiquita banana Kaikaina’s pussy juices, along with all the other sauces, were now being properly gargled like tequila shots.

 

“Ohhh yeah, just like that…Man, you’re good for your first time. Now, don’t be shy, use your fingers.”

 

At first the dudette was hesitant, but then she figured out that, while still gloved to make it less gay, her fingerinos were still churros and Kaikaina’s soft pussita walls were still dulce de leche. It was time for penetration…It was taco filling time.

 

“HOLY SHIT, BITCH, YOU’RE FUCKING WIL-AAAAAHHHH!”

 

Our freelancerina lost any hint of chill whatsoever and fisted the taco super hard until it became a burrito, careless about the metal plating of the armourina she was still wearing. Wink wink!

 

“Are you dead yet?”

 

“N-no…” Kai emitted faintly, having only blood and a tiny breatherino in her mouth, along with a loud coochie fart.

 

“Ugh…”

 

“Just do it…It will be like blowing on birthday candles.”

 

“…Fine.” her teeth did a gritterino as the other dudette started singing.

 

“Haaaaappy biiiirthdaaaay tooo youuu, haaaaappy biiirthdaaaay toooo yooouuuu, happy biiiiirthdaaaaay to…uhhh.”

 

“Carolina.”

 

“Caaaaaaaroliiiiiinaaaaaa, haaaaappy biiiirthdayyy toooo youuuu!”

 

It took all of Carolina’s courage and gag-reflex-nullifying-thumb-squeezerino to blow full force into    the pussita, the canyon within the canyon, relieved by the fact that no one would ever know what was going on. Wink wink!

 

“YAAAAY!”

 

But all cool things come to an end, my dudes, and right in that moment our aquamadudereen freelancer muchacha Carolina couldn’t doodely do it anymore and just felt all them juicerinos climb her throat and pour all in the taco-burrito-canyon-pussita, which was now overflowing with chili, rose marie sauce, MREs and a few smarties that had been shoved down there a couple of weeks before.

 

“Woah…You’re into puking in pussies too? That’s kinda hot!”

 

And then Carolina ran away screaming.

 

“…Fuck. That’s like, the fourth time this week!”

 

 

The end, dude.

**Author's Note:**

> I should be writing screenplays for my boss but I prefer to focus on the QUALITY writing, indeed.


End file.
